Staying out all night

“Where the hell have you been?” That’s how Jeremy greeted me when I sauntered in the front door at 8am.

“Out.” I kept my reply quick and tried to go to my room but he stepped in front of me.

“Out where? Justin was worried all night about you.”

“No one told him to worry.”

Jeremy’s jaw tightened. “And no one told you that you can turn your phone off and stay out all night.” I could feel him getting more impatient by the second, ready to snap on me but holding it in. Good. That’s exactly where I wanted him. They were ruining my life, so he deserved it.

“Well, too bad.” I tried to walk past him to my room and this time Jeremy grabbed my upper arm, spinning me back towards him.

“We’re not finished here, Joeie.” I struggled to break from his grip and he squeezed tighter. “Enough!” His tone made my tummy drop so I stopped squirming (for now). “You didn’t even bother trying to sneak in, just came in here head held high like you’re proud of yourself. For what? Keeping your brother up all night? Having me scouring the city for you, praying I wouldn’t find you dead or in the hospital?”

“I was fine,” I insisted, glaring at him.

“We would’ve known that if you had bothered to call or text, but instead you went dark.”

“Whatever, Jer. Can you finish this lecture later? I’m tired and ready for bed.”

His body tensed and I half-expected him to drag me over his knee right then. But he resisted. “You think you’re going to come home and sleep all day?”

“Uh yeah, that’s what you do when you work all night.”

Jeremy laughed. It was evil enough that it sent chills down my spine. “Today we’re doing chores. Get changed and back downstairs in 5 minutes.”

DNA part 2ish

(Started writing too late on my commute today so this will be basically nothing 💔)

I took a deep breath as the results flashed up on my screen. English, Scottish, Irish, Norwegian and German. I felt a heavy rock in my chest as I skimmed through the numbers, wondering how they knew this, what it all meant, if it was actually shedding light on who I am.

“Wow look,” Alexa said, shoving her phone under my nose to see her colorful map. “I literally am a mixture of everywhere.”

“Damn you really are…” I swallowed down my anxiety. “You’re 9% Egyptian?? I wonder if you have some royalty ancestors.”

“I doubt it,” she said with a laugh. “What are yours? Look you can break it down by parent!”

“My biological father is British and German.” My voice came out steady, but I paused a moment, staring at the screen.

“You okay?”

“Of course,” I said, “just trying to figure out what to look at next. Is this it?”

DNA

When my phone buzzed in my pocket, I’d almost forgotten the results I’d been obsessively checking for days, hoping they’d be ready earlier than predicted. When my teacher turned around, I checked my notifications, hiding my phone behind my classmates thick, wavy hair.

Ancestry.com: your results are ready!

My heart skipped a beat. I’d done the dna test because my friend, Alexa, was an ethnic smoothie and curious about her roots. Her parents had gotten a 2 for 1 deal, offering me the other, since I didn’t know anything about my dad. I pretended not to care about whatever I found out about my origins, but truthfully, I was nervous. I stared at the notification for a full minute before my teacher realized my lack of attention.

“Joeie, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

Mrs. Hoffman was the bane of my existence. She had the tendency to tattle on me to my brother, Jeremy, since they knew each other from high school. I was not about to pretend like she deserved a nice answer from me. That lady could choke on an apple for all I cared.

“There’s a lot I could share with the class. Did you know that skateboarding began in the 1950s because surfers wanted to surf on land? How’s that for a history lesson.”

My classmates sniggered, ignoring the glare Mrs. Hoffman shot me.

“It’s come a long way over time… even an Olympic sport now.”

“Is that what you’re doing on your phone? Reading skate facts?” 

“I’m not doing anything on my phone,” I argued, turning the screen so she could see. “Is it a crime to have it out on my desk while I zone out during the most boring lecture ever?”

Her eyes narrowed, about to say something but cut off by the bell and everyone packing up their stuff. I did the same, avoiding her scalding stare and hurrying out of there.

Instead of heading to my next class, I detoured by Alexa’s. “Our results came in! Let’s skip and go to the coffee shop to look at them!” My friend hesitated, but I persisted. “Cmon, you don’t have anything big next period, no one will ever know, it’s already 5th period, but we gotta hurry!”

She eyed me like I was twisting her arm before finally giving in. “Okay, let’s do it!”

We tried to look the least amount of suspicious as possible as we snuck past the security guard and off campus, with me carrying on the whole time about how much I hate Mrs. Hoffman.

When we arrived to our favorite coffee shop hang out, a couple of blocks from the skatepark, I plopped down and immediately dug out my phone, clicking on the notification.

Therapy session with Justin, part 2

I took a moment to process everything Justin had said.  Their mom's overdose -- how painful for the whole family.  Joeie never having a parent.  A kid having to help raise a kid.  I couldn't help but think of all the dysfunction they grew up in.  How Justin is probably doing his best but started so young, he had no idea what he was doing.

"Can you tell me more about your mom's death?"

Justin nodded, swallowing down a lump in his throat.  He looked away for a second, then reconnected with my eyes.  "We were living together... my mom, Joeie, and me.  I had stayed because I didn't trust my mom to fully care for Joeie... but Jeremy and Jonnie had gone.  Our mom nearly overdosed a few months before, but I was home and took care of it, administered the Narcan.  It scared Joeie so much that she begged our mom to get help, and she finally agreed.  She was inpatient for a little while and then going to this intensive outpatient program.  Everything was going so well."  Justin cleared his throat and adjusted himself in his seat.  "Then she relapsed.  I don't know what triggered it.  But I was too late that time."  He sucked in an uneasy breath, then pushed through.  "Joeie was young enough to have cried with me at first.  She had so many questions... I couldn't answer them.  Jeremy was there to help, too.  He never let us see him feel anything about it, but he didn't discourage Joeie's feelings.  Jonnie didn't go to the funeral.  He was pissed off at everything and in the height of his use.  It was a hard time for us though.  I worked on moving us out -- Jeremy helped me buy the house we're living in now, in a much better area.  Joeie made a friend in the neighborhood right away.  But that time was really difficult for me.  I don't think I was always the best guardian for her.  I'm glad Jeremy was there."

The guilt seemed to consume him.  Not being good enough for Joeie... probably stemming from never feeling good enough for his mom.  He got his needs best met when he was taking care of everyone.  But the responsibility was given to him at way too young of an age so he must've been struggling with so much anxiety.  

"And how was the pandemic?  It must've been shortly after her death?"

Now he looked even heavier with guilt.  "I don't know how it was for her.  For me it was awful... working all the time, worrying about everyone's health.  Jonnie couldn't work so we had him move in with us to take care of Joeie.  She was 11-going-on-12.  I think she loved having the fun brother in charge.  They moved the living room furniture and ordered a mat so they could practice wrestling and fighting moves during the day."  He grinned, undoubtedly enjoying the fond memories that came to mind.  "And then one night that summer while Jeremy and I were both working, Jonnie took her to a protest.  We almost killed him after that... he had her out all night when there was a lockdown in the city."  I could feel his anxious energy surging again.  "She loved it though, and she deserves some happy memories."

I smiled.  "And what about her peer relationships?  Was she able to socialize during the pandemic?  And how are her friendships now?"

Justin nodded.  "She has one really close friend, Alex, a boy who lives in our neighborhood that she met almost right away.  His mom also loves Joeie and treats her like family.  They were able to stay in touch and socialize during the pandemic, and are still close, though I think they've had some issues lately.  Jo has started hanging out with some older teens she met at the skatepark, and I get the feeling that Alex doesn't like them."  

Now what Joeie had said in her magic wand response made more sense.  She wanted Alex and her new friend to get along.

"She's never had difficulty making friends at school.  She's social and kind of the class clown and friendly with everyone."

random scene

 I recognized Jeremy's truck as soon as he drove into the skatepark's parking lot.  "Fuck," I muttered under my breath.  How did he know I was here?  He would've expected me to be in our local park, not Jersey City.

I skated up to him before he could get out and embarrass me in front of my new friends.  "What are you doing here?" kicking my skateboard up and holding it under my arm.

"Did you forget you're grounded?"

Groaning, I stomped my foot.  I had forgotten.  "Come on, it was just one low test grade, not that big of a deal."

"The agreement was to come home directly after school.  I had a feeling you'd be here.  In the truck.  Now."

"Wait, Jer.  At least let me say bye."

"Go.  If you take too long, I'll deal with you right here in front of them."

My cheeks reddened with embarrassment at the thought of getting spanked in front of my older, cooler, skater buddies.  That could definitely not happen.  It was bad enough that I was getting dragged out of here by my brother anyway.  None of them ever dealt with this stuff.  Ugh.  I just wanted to be a normal kid!

I said my goodbyes, a low honk of Jeremy's horn moving me along faster than I would have liked.  When I reached the truck, I plopped down inside, folding my arms in a pout.

"Seatbelt," he said, unaffected by my mini-tantrum.

Letting out a ridiculous groan, I did as told, digging my phone out of my pocket.  Jeremy snatched it out of my fingers almost instantly.  "What the hell?"I growled.

"These kids you've been hanging out with are bad news."

"Thanks, Mr. I-Know-Everything-That-Happens-In-The-Streets.  I don't care.  They're my friends, I like them, they like me."

Jeremy shook his head.  "I'm serious, Jo.  I can already smell the weed on you.  What's next?  You're heading for trouble."

My tummy twisted into knots at the mention of weed.  "I didn't smoke any."

He gave me a doubtful look.  "You better not.  You're too young -- even though it's legal, it's not legal for you."

I shrank a little in my seat, looking out the window.  "You guys are so fucking annoying lately."

"Watch it."

"No," I said, slamming a fist into the seat.  "It's not fair.  You all had your party phases or whatever.  But now that I'm older, you and Justin don't wanna see it.  You're treating me like a baby!"

"Too bad."  Things he says when he doesn't want to deal with me, but is starting to lose his patience.  I should've stopped pushing.  But do I ever?  No, not really.

"You act like I'm out there committing real crimes and putting my life in danger.  Maybe I should, just so you'll learn to back off."

"Joeie..." His tone had an edge to it, like he would snap at any second.  Which is maybe what I was looking for, even though I'd regret it later...

"I'll just have to go somewhere you're not always patrolling.  Maybe Newark."  Newark was a punch in the gut for him because he'd worked there a few years before needing to move to a department in a less dangerous area.  Jeremy's fists tightened around the steering wheel, jaw locked, and I felt a twinge of pride at getting under his skin.  "I bet there's a lot of fun recreational activities up there.  Maybe I could take up dealing as a side hobby, get some extra cash..."

"Enough.  You've already earned yourself a spanking.  Keep going and we'll do this right here in the truck."

I huffed and folded my arms.  Of course I'd already known that was coming.  Which I'd much rather than being grounded, or whatever.  Not that being grounded worked most of the time... with their work schedules, it was sometimes hard for them to keep track of me, and other times they'd be watching me 100%.  A spanking was just easier and over with quicker.

As I stared out the window, I wondered who would dish out the punishment this time.  Justin always seemed so disappointed, which got my guilt all worked up.  But Jeremy was more physically intense, and less likely to respond to my tears (at least I still knew how to tug on Justin's heartstrings).  But I hoped Jer wouldn't say anything about the weed... we both knew Justin would lose his shit with that.  He's so protective when it comes to any kind of addictive substance, including vaping nicotine or drinking beer.  That's one thing Jeremy is more understanding about.  Maybe the only thing though.

After he pulled into the driveway and turned off the truck, I reached for the door handle but he stopped me.  "I'm serious about those kids.  It's you and your future I care about, not some 'friendship' that started a couple of weeks ago.  I can't make you end it, but I'm strongly advising yourself against it.  I find out you're breaking laws and you'll deal with me, understood?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

His eyes narrowed, but he let go of my upper arm so I could jump out.  Justin wasn't home yet, which meant I should shower and change out of my weedy-smelling clothes.  He would be pissed enough without the sensory evidence.  

what if jeremy went in for a therapy session

"Hi, Jeremy?" I said to the lone man sitting in the waiting room, who had been sitting up straight as he typed out a message on his phone, but immediately looked up on my arrival.  He was my first appointment of the day, 11am, preferring to get this over with as early as possible (he would have done an earlier time if I had any).

He stood, gave me a firm handshake, and followed me quietly to my office.  

Upon arrival, he sat in the same seat Joeie had, near the door, far from me.  I could have guessed that by the lack of interaction so far.  My heart pounded inside my chest, remembering what Joeie had said about his "toxic masculinity" and "anger issues."  That's not my usual type of client.  

"Thanks for coming in," I said as I sat.

"Of course.  This was important to my family.  I can spare a few minutes of discomfort if it keeps my family together."

Interesting way of looking at it.  I got the sense that he just wanted to get down to business, not chit chat.  He would probably dodge my emotional questions and respond with logic.  Why was I so anxious around him?  "What's your understanding of everything going on with Joeie?"

"Which part?"

"... All of them."

He nodded.  "My biggest concern is her wanting to go live with this Sebastian guy over the summer.  We don't know him, he's been in Jo's life for what, 2 months?  Who offers a stranger to live with them?"

I raised my eyebrows.  "Why do you think he offered her?"

"I don't know, but isn't it fucking weird?"

I considered his question for a moment.  Yeah, it is kinda weird, but also maybe not.  How many people found out randomly that they had a half-sibling?  It's not like I'd had this experience before.  "You're feeling really protective of her."

"Well, yeah, someone has to be.  Justin tries, but he mostly wants to keep the peace.  Our mother was fucking useless.  If I don't think about this stuff, nobody else will."

Made sense that he was the more protective one.  Jeremy was the type to step up where Justin fell short, probably embedded into their family dynamic since early childhood.  Which, in my mind, leaves Jonnie as likely the one who acted out.  Just my hypothesis.

"And about the drugs," Jeremy continued.  "Look, do I agree with it?  No.  But she's a teenager, of course she's going to experiment.  I just want her to stick with the legal substances, none of which are legal for her right now."

I nodded.  "That's understandable."

"Justin gets sensitive about this shit.  He's the one who found our mom when she ODed.  I think it kind of fucked him up.  It would kill him if something happened to Joeie.  He was 16 when she was born... basically her second parent.  He'd blame himself."

"What about you?"

Jeremy paused, gave me a look between amusement and annoyance.  He thought about it for a moment and I felt the sadness that washed over him.  "It would probably kill me, too."  He looked down and away, twiddling his thumbs restlessly.  "When she was little, like 2 or 3, I would take care of her a lot.  When Justin was getting certified.  She was attached to me.  I felt bad to leave for the army, but Justin was always kinda possessive of her anyway.  He listens to me mostly, but has the final say.  Which you probably figured out already."

I smiled.  "What do you think about Joeie coming to therapy?"

"It's up to her.  Right now she won't admit it, but I think she likes you and wants to come back.  If she's going to do it, she needs to be committed, which will only happen if she chooses to go."

"What's your own personal experience with therapy?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes (Joeie-style) and gave a chuckle.  "I'm guessing Joeie has told you I refuse to go.  She doesn't know this, but I did see my school social worker in high school for a bit.  It was a good experience.  But right now there is no reason for me to go to therapy."

justin's turn

I followed behind Joeie to where Justin sat nervously in the waiting room.  "Your turn," she said, sticking her tongue out playfully.

Justin stood, saying "hi," again and following me to my office.

He sat in a chair closer to mine, in the middle of the room (neither closest nor farthest from the door).  I felt his nervous energy (more than the average guardian I met with) as I closed the door and went to my seat.  When he glanced up at me with his worried brown eyes, I could see his inner child... the little boy who had to take care of everyone before he was ready.  It kinda broke my heart a little.  

"I doubt she told you why we're here."  It wasn't an accusation, more an acknowledgment that he knew his little sister well.  "She would probably give me shit for even hoping that she might have told you."

"Sounds like it might be a long story, with layers that she doesn't quite understand yet."

Justin nodded.  "Our mom was a drug addict, opioids.  She died of an overdose when Joeie was 10, which is when I took over custody.  Her dad wasn't in the picture... provided financial support in the beginning, but once that stopped... it was... unstable."  He paused.  "I guess what I'm saying is, there's a history of substance abuse in our family and I'm worried about Joeie.  This past weekend she snuck out to get drunk and high at a club, nearly was arrested.  She has told me I'm overreacting, and I might be.  Our other brothers have surprising opinions about it.  Jeremy thinks it's harmless experimentation, but Jonnie suggested therapy, so it doesn't turn into something extra."  Noticing whatever expression was on my face when he mentioned Jonnie, Justin grinned.  "She may have told you Jonnie is the reason she even agreed to give this a try today.  That little shit has so much sway over her, even though he's rarely around."

"What makes Jeremy think that her substance use is 'harmless experimentation'?"

"He had a phase of experimenting that didn't lead to disaster."

"What about you?"

"I have no desire to drink, and can't use drugs in my line of work.  I'm a paramedic."

I nodded.  "Do you know about Joeie's biological father?  Did he have substance use concerns?"

Justin shook his head.  "I don't think so, but I'm not sure.  He was a wealthy businessman from the city.  And a few months ago, Joeie took a DNA test, then found out who he was.  He died last year.  Jo didn't seem too bummed about it, but she also wouldn't talk to me about it either.  And there's more... She found two half-siblings.  The half-sister didn't want anything to do with Joeie, rejected her completely from the beginning.  But Joeie met the half-brother recently, and got this idea to stay with him in the city this summer while she takes acting classes.  I think this is all part of her acting out lately.  She's been through a lot.  She never really had a parent... none of us did.  But I don't want Joeie to have to go through what we did.  There's probably a lot that she needs to process with someone, and she doesn't want to talk to me about it."