Staying out all night

“Where the hell have you been?” That’s how Jeremy greeted me when I sauntered in the front door at 8am.

“Out.” I kept my reply quick and tried to go to my room but he stepped in front of me.

“Out where? Justin was worried all night about you.”

“No one told him to worry.”

Jeremy’s jaw tightened. “And no one told you that you can turn your phone off and stay out all night.” I could feel him getting more impatient by the second, ready to snap on me but holding it in. Good. That’s exactly where I wanted him. They were ruining my life, so he deserved it.

“Well, too bad.” I tried to walk past him to my room and this time Jeremy grabbed my upper arm, spinning me back towards him.

“We’re not finished here, Joeie.” I struggled to break from his grip and he squeezed tighter. “Enough!” His tone made my tummy drop so I stopped squirming (for now). “You didn’t even bother trying to sneak in, just came in here head held high like you’re proud of yourself. For what? Keeping your brother up all night? Having me scouring the city for you, praying I wouldn’t find you dead or in the hospital?”

“I was fine,” I insisted, glaring at him.

“We would’ve known that if you had bothered to call or text, but instead you went dark.”

“Whatever, Jer. Can you finish this lecture later? I’m tired and ready for bed.”

His body tensed and I half-expected him to drag me over his knee right then. But he resisted. “You think you’re going to come home and sleep all day?”

“Uh yeah, that’s what you do when you work all night.”

Jeremy laughed. It was evil enough that it sent chills down my spine. “Today we’re doing chores. Get changed and back downstairs in 5 minutes.”

DNA part 2ish

(Started writing too late on my commute today so this will be basically nothing 💔)

I took a deep breath as the results flashed up on my screen. English, Scottish, Irish, Norwegian and German. I felt a heavy rock in my chest as I skimmed through the numbers, wondering how they knew this, what it all meant, if it was actually shedding light on who I am.

“Wow look,” Alexa said, shoving her phone under my nose to see her colorful map. “I literally am a mixture of everywhere.”

“Damn you really are…” I swallowed down my anxiety. “You’re 9% Egyptian?? I wonder if you have some royalty ancestors.”

“I doubt it,” she said with a laugh. “What are yours? Look you can break it down by parent!”

“My biological father is British and German.” My voice came out steady, but I paused a moment, staring at the screen.

“You okay?”

“Of course,” I said, “just trying to figure out what to look at next. Is this it?”

DNA

When my phone buzzed in my pocket, I’d almost forgotten the results I’d been obsessively checking for days, hoping they’d be ready earlier than predicted. When my teacher turned around, I checked my notifications, hiding my phone behind my classmates thick, wavy hair.

Ancestry.com: your results are ready!

My heart skipped a beat. I’d done the dna test because my friend, Alexa, was an ethnic smoothie and curious about her roots. Her parents had gotten a 2 for 1 deal, offering me the other, since I didn’t know anything about my dad. I pretended not to care about whatever I found out about my origins, but truthfully, I was nervous. I stared at the notification for a full minute before my teacher realized my lack of attention.

“Joeie, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

Mrs. Hoffman was the bane of my existence. She had the tendency to tattle on me to my brother, Jeremy, since they knew each other from high school. I was not about to pretend like she deserved a nice answer from me. That lady could choke on an apple for all I cared.

“There’s a lot I could share with the class. Did you know that skateboarding began in the 1950s because surfers wanted to surf on land? How’s that for a history lesson.”

My classmates sniggered, ignoring the glare Mrs. Hoffman shot me.

“It’s come a long way over time… even an Olympic sport now.”

“Is that what you’re doing on your phone? Reading skate facts?” 

“I’m not doing anything on my phone,” I argued, turning the screen so she could see. “Is it a crime to have it out on my desk while I zone out during the most boring lecture ever?”

Her eyes narrowed, about to say something but cut off by the bell and everyone packing up their stuff. I did the same, avoiding her scalding stare and hurrying out of there.

Instead of heading to my next class, I detoured by Alexa’s. “Our results came in! Let’s skip and go to the coffee shop to look at them!” My friend hesitated, but I persisted. “Cmon, you don’t have anything big next period, no one will ever know, it’s already 5th period, but we gotta hurry!”

She eyed me like I was twisting her arm before finally giving in. “Okay, let’s do it!”

We tried to look the least amount of suspicious as possible as we snuck past the security guard and off campus, with me carrying on the whole time about how much I hate Mrs. Hoffman.

When we arrived to our favorite coffee shop hang out, a couple of blocks from the skatepark, I plopped down and immediately dug out my phone, clicking on the notification.

Therapy session with Justin, part 2

I took a moment to process everything Justin had said.  Their mom's overdose -- how painful for the whole family.  Joeie never having a parent.  A kid having to help raise a kid.  I couldn't help but think of all the dysfunction they grew up in.  How Justin is probably doing his best but started so young, he had no idea what he was doing.

"Can you tell me more about your mom's death?"

Justin nodded, swallowing down a lump in his throat.  He looked away for a second, then reconnected with my eyes.  "We were living together... my mom, Joeie, and me.  I had stayed because I didn't trust my mom to fully care for Joeie... but Jeremy and Jonnie had gone.  Our mom nearly overdosed a few months before, but I was home and took care of it, administered the Narcan.  It scared Joeie so much that she begged our mom to get help, and she finally agreed.  She was inpatient for a little while and then going to this intensive outpatient program.  Everything was going so well."  Justin cleared his throat and adjusted himself in his seat.  "Then she relapsed.  I don't know what triggered it.  But I was too late that time."  He sucked in an uneasy breath, then pushed through.  "Joeie was young enough to have cried with me at first.  She had so many questions... I couldn't answer them.  Jeremy was there to help, too.  He never let us see him feel anything about it, but he didn't discourage Joeie's feelings.  Jonnie didn't go to the funeral.  He was pissed off at everything and in the height of his use.  It was a hard time for us though.  I worked on moving us out -- Jeremy helped me buy the house we're living in now, in a much better area.  Joeie made a friend in the neighborhood right away.  But that time was really difficult for me.  I don't think I was always the best guardian for her.  I'm glad Jeremy was there."

The guilt seemed to consume him.  Not being good enough for Joeie... probably stemming from never feeling good enough for his mom.  He got his needs best met when he was taking care of everyone.  But the responsibility was given to him at way too young of an age so he must've been struggling with so much anxiety.  

"And how was the pandemic?  It must've been shortly after her death?"

Now he looked even heavier with guilt.  "I don't know how it was for her.  For me it was awful... working all the time, worrying about everyone's health.  Jonnie couldn't work so we had him move in with us to take care of Joeie.  She was 11-going-on-12.  I think she loved having the fun brother in charge.  They moved the living room furniture and ordered a mat so they could practice wrestling and fighting moves during the day."  He grinned, undoubtedly enjoying the fond memories that came to mind.  "And then one night that summer while Jeremy and I were both working, Jonnie took her to a protest.  We almost killed him after that... he had her out all night when there was a lockdown in the city."  I could feel his anxious energy surging again.  "She loved it though, and she deserves some happy memories."

I smiled.  "And what about her peer relationships?  Was she able to socialize during the pandemic?  And how are her friendships now?"

Justin nodded.  "She has one really close friend, Alex, a boy who lives in our neighborhood that she met almost right away.  His mom also loves Joeie and treats her like family.  They were able to stay in touch and socialize during the pandemic, and are still close, though I think they've had some issues lately.  Jo has started hanging out with some older teens she met at the skatepark, and I get the feeling that Alex doesn't like them."  

Now what Joeie had said in her magic wand response made more sense.  She wanted Alex and her new friend to get along.

"She's never had difficulty making friends at school.  She's social and kind of the class clown and friendly with everyone."

random scene

 I recognized Jeremy's truck as soon as he drove into the skatepark's parking lot.  "Fuck," I muttered under my breath.  How did he know I was here?  He would've expected me to be in our local park, not Jersey City.

I skated up to him before he could get out and embarrass me in front of my new friends.  "What are you doing here?" kicking my skateboard up and holding it under my arm.

"Did you forget you're grounded?"

Groaning, I stomped my foot.  I had forgotten.  "Come on, it was just one low test grade, not that big of a deal."

"The agreement was to come home directly after school.  I had a feeling you'd be here.  In the truck.  Now."

"Wait, Jer.  At least let me say bye."

"Go.  If you take too long, I'll deal with you right here in front of them."

My cheeks reddened with embarrassment at the thought of getting spanked in front of my older, cooler, skater buddies.  That could definitely not happen.  It was bad enough that I was getting dragged out of here by my brother anyway.  None of them ever dealt with this stuff.  Ugh.  I just wanted to be a normal kid!

I said my goodbyes, a low honk of Jeremy's horn moving me along faster than I would have liked.  When I reached the truck, I plopped down inside, folding my arms in a pout.

"Seatbelt," he said, unaffected by my mini-tantrum.

Letting out a ridiculous groan, I did as told, digging my phone out of my pocket.  Jeremy snatched it out of my fingers almost instantly.  "What the hell?"I growled.

"These kids you've been hanging out with are bad news."

"Thanks, Mr. I-Know-Everything-That-Happens-In-The-Streets.  I don't care.  They're my friends, I like them, they like me."

Jeremy shook his head.  "I'm serious, Jo.  I can already smell the weed on you.  What's next?  You're heading for trouble."

My tummy twisted into knots at the mention of weed.  "I didn't smoke any."

He gave me a doubtful look.  "You better not.  You're too young -- even though it's legal, it's not legal for you."

I shrank a little in my seat, looking out the window.  "You guys are so fucking annoying lately."

"Watch it."

"No," I said, slamming a fist into the seat.  "It's not fair.  You all had your party phases or whatever.  But now that I'm older, you and Justin don't wanna see it.  You're treating me like a baby!"

"Too bad."  Things he says when he doesn't want to deal with me, but is starting to lose his patience.  I should've stopped pushing.  But do I ever?  No, not really.

"You act like I'm out there committing real crimes and putting my life in danger.  Maybe I should, just so you'll learn to back off."

"Joeie..." His tone had an edge to it, like he would snap at any second.  Which is maybe what I was looking for, even though I'd regret it later...

"I'll just have to go somewhere you're not always patrolling.  Maybe Newark."  Newark was a punch in the gut for him because he'd worked there a few years before needing to move to a department in a less dangerous area.  Jeremy's fists tightened around the steering wheel, jaw locked, and I felt a twinge of pride at getting under his skin.  "I bet there's a lot of fun recreational activities up there.  Maybe I could take up dealing as a side hobby, get some extra cash..."

"Enough.  You've already earned yourself a spanking.  Keep going and we'll do this right here in the truck."

I huffed and folded my arms.  Of course I'd already known that was coming.  Which I'd much rather than being grounded, or whatever.  Not that being grounded worked most of the time... with their work schedules, it was sometimes hard for them to keep track of me, and other times they'd be watching me 100%.  A spanking was just easier and over with quicker.

As I stared out the window, I wondered who would dish out the punishment this time.  Justin always seemed so disappointed, which got my guilt all worked up.  But Jeremy was more physically intense, and less likely to respond to my tears (at least I still knew how to tug on Justin's heartstrings).  But I hoped Jer wouldn't say anything about the weed... we both knew Justin would lose his shit with that.  He's so protective when it comes to any kind of addictive substance, including vaping nicotine or drinking beer.  That's one thing Jeremy is more understanding about.  Maybe the only thing though.

After he pulled into the driveway and turned off the truck, I reached for the door handle but he stopped me.  "I'm serious about those kids.  It's you and your future I care about, not some 'friendship' that started a couple of weeks ago.  I can't make you end it, but I'm strongly advising yourself against it.  I find out you're breaking laws and you'll deal with me, understood?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

His eyes narrowed, but he let go of my upper arm so I could jump out.  Justin wasn't home yet, which meant I should shower and change out of my weedy-smelling clothes.  He would be pissed enough without the sensory evidence.  

what if jeremy went in for a therapy session

"Hi, Jeremy?" I said to the lone man sitting in the waiting room, who had been sitting up straight as he typed out a message on his phone, but immediately looked up on my arrival.  He was my first appointment of the day, 11am, preferring to get this over with as early as possible (he would have done an earlier time if I had any).

He stood, gave me a firm handshake, and followed me quietly to my office.  

Upon arrival, he sat in the same seat Joeie had, near the door, far from me.  I could have guessed that by the lack of interaction so far.  My heart pounded inside my chest, remembering what Joeie had said about his "toxic masculinity" and "anger issues."  That's not my usual type of client.  

"Thanks for coming in," I said as I sat.

"Of course.  This was important to my family.  I can spare a few minutes of discomfort if it keeps my family together."

Interesting way of looking at it.  I got the sense that he just wanted to get down to business, not chit chat.  He would probably dodge my emotional questions and respond with logic.  Why was I so anxious around him?  "What's your understanding of everything going on with Joeie?"

"Which part?"

"... All of them."

He nodded.  "My biggest concern is her wanting to go live with this Sebastian guy over the summer.  We don't know him, he's been in Jo's life for what, 2 months?  Who offers a stranger to live with them?"

I raised my eyebrows.  "Why do you think he offered her?"

"I don't know, but isn't it fucking weird?"

I considered his question for a moment.  Yeah, it is kinda weird, but also maybe not.  How many people found out randomly that they had a half-sibling?  It's not like I'd had this experience before.  "You're feeling really protective of her."

"Well, yeah, someone has to be.  Justin tries, but he mostly wants to keep the peace.  Our mother was fucking useless.  If I don't think about this stuff, nobody else will."

Made sense that he was the more protective one.  Jeremy was the type to step up where Justin fell short, probably embedded into their family dynamic since early childhood.  Which, in my mind, leaves Jonnie as likely the one who acted out.  Just my hypothesis.

"And about the drugs," Jeremy continued.  "Look, do I agree with it?  No.  But she's a teenager, of course she's going to experiment.  I just want her to stick with the legal substances, none of which are legal for her right now."

I nodded.  "That's understandable."

"Justin gets sensitive about this shit.  He's the one who found our mom when she ODed.  I think it kind of fucked him up.  It would kill him if something happened to Joeie.  He was 16 when she was born... basically her second parent.  He'd blame himself."

"What about you?"

Jeremy paused, gave me a look between amusement and annoyance.  He thought about it for a moment and I felt the sadness that washed over him.  "It would probably kill me, too."  He looked down and away, twiddling his thumbs restlessly.  "When she was little, like 2 or 3, I would take care of her a lot.  When Justin was getting certified.  She was attached to me.  I felt bad to leave for the army, but Justin was always kinda possessive of her anyway.  He listens to me mostly, but has the final say.  Which you probably figured out already."

I smiled.  "What do you think about Joeie coming to therapy?"

"It's up to her.  Right now she won't admit it, but I think she likes you and wants to come back.  If she's going to do it, she needs to be committed, which will only happen if she chooses to go."

"What's your own personal experience with therapy?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes (Joeie-style) and gave a chuckle.  "I'm guessing Joeie has told you I refuse to go.  She doesn't know this, but I did see my school social worker in high school for a bit.  It was a good experience.  But right now there is no reason for me to go to therapy."

justin's turn

I followed behind Joeie to where Justin sat nervously in the waiting room.  "Your turn," she said, sticking her tongue out playfully.

Justin stood, saying "hi," again and following me to my office.

He sat in a chair closer to mine, in the middle of the room (neither closest nor farthest from the door).  I felt his nervous energy (more than the average guardian I met with) as I closed the door and went to my seat.  When he glanced up at me with his worried brown eyes, I could see his inner child... the little boy who had to take care of everyone before he was ready.  It kinda broke my heart a little.  

"I doubt she told you why we're here."  It wasn't an accusation, more an acknowledgment that he knew his little sister well.  "She would probably give me shit for even hoping that she might have told you."

"Sounds like it might be a long story, with layers that she doesn't quite understand yet."

Justin nodded.  "Our mom was a drug addict, opioids.  She died of an overdose when Joeie was 10, which is when I took over custody.  Her dad wasn't in the picture... provided financial support in the beginning, but once that stopped... it was... unstable."  He paused.  "I guess what I'm saying is, there's a history of substance abuse in our family and I'm worried about Joeie.  This past weekend she snuck out to get drunk and high at a club, nearly was arrested.  She has told me I'm overreacting, and I might be.  Our other brothers have surprising opinions about it.  Jeremy thinks it's harmless experimentation, but Jonnie suggested therapy, so it doesn't turn into something extra."  Noticing whatever expression was on my face when he mentioned Jonnie, Justin grinned.  "She may have told you Jonnie is the reason she even agreed to give this a try today.  That little shit has so much sway over her, even though he's rarely around."

"What makes Jeremy think that her substance use is 'harmless experimentation'?"

"He had a phase of experimenting that didn't lead to disaster."

"What about you?"

"I have no desire to drink, and can't use drugs in my line of work.  I'm a paramedic."

I nodded.  "Do you know about Joeie's biological father?  Did he have substance use concerns?"

Justin shook his head.  "I don't think so, but I'm not sure.  He was a wealthy businessman from the city.  And a few months ago, Joeie took a DNA test, then found out who he was.  He died last year.  Jo didn't seem too bummed about it, but she also wouldn't talk to me about it either.  And there's more... She found two half-siblings.  The half-sister didn't want anything to do with Joeie, rejected her completely from the beginning.  But Joeie met the half-brother recently, and got this idea to stay with him in the city this summer while she takes acting classes.  I think this is all part of her acting out lately.  She's been through a lot.  She never really had a parent... none of us did.  But I don't want Joeie to have to go through what we did.  There's probably a lot that she needs to process with someone, and she doesn't want to talk to me about it."

what i've written of Joeie's background/character profile

 

Joeie Davenport

Age 16 - birthday 9/30/2008

My earliest memory is with my mom and Jeremy when I was 2-3 years old. Something was wrong with her, probably high, and we had just gotten home. Jeremy was pissed and yelling at her about driving while high. I didn’t know that at the time, I was just upset that Jeremy was upset. And when she started crying, I did too. 

Jeremy moved out when I was 3-4, right after he graduated high school and joined the army. I cried every night for him because I missed him so much. He had been the one to take me to and pick me up from preschool everyday. And we went to the park a lot or played together. When he left, I felt like a part of me was missing. Talking to him on the phone periodically wasn’t enough. 

When I was 4, Jonnie broke his leg and had to stay home with me a lot. I was in preschool but when I got back, Jonnie was always there ready to play with me. He taught me how to skateboard, right there in the living room. He helped me write letters to Jeremy who was in basic training. He taught me how to spell my name with “ie” like his. It was convenient timing how he was home more often around the same time Jeremy was gone. Even after his leg got better, I was still attached to him. Sometimes he’d take me to band practice with him and I even had a spot on his first EP, screaming along with a song. All of his bandmates adored me. 

By the time I started kindergarten, Jonnie had moved out, tired of dealing with my moms shit. And he and Justin got into a big fight when Jonnie kept getting in legal trouble. The house felt quiet with only the three of us. Jonnie still visited me and took me out with him sometimes but Justin didn’t really trust him.

therapy part 3

I paused for a moment, straightening up in my seat.  "Joeie, I have so many questions for you, and I'm really curious to get to know you.  But first I want to circle back to something you said earlier.  It sounded like you aren't into the idea of being here today.  So I'm wondering why, actually, are you here?"

"Justin made me come."

"Obviously.  But why?"

She shrugged.  "You'll have to ask him."  Then just closed her mouth, determined not to say more on the topic.

I thought about a response for a moment.  I could get a little sassy with her, which she would probably appreciate the back and forth for a few minutes.  I could pry into the events leading up to Justin's decision.  Or... 

"Fair enough.  So is there anything you're curious about or that you'd like to do in therapy?"

She blinked, then unfolded her arms.  "I can tell you what I don't wanna do."

"Alright, let's hear it."

"One," she stated, holding out a finger, "I don't want to talk about my mom's death.  She's gone and there's nothing we can do about it.  There's no point in getting in my feels around that."  She paused to see if I would react, but I didn't.  I'd already suspected she wouldn't be game for that.  "Is that gonna work for you?"

"Oh, I was waiting to hear all of your conditions."

"Why go on if you don't agree to the first one?"

I nodded.  "I'm willing to compromise on that -- we can't completely leave her out of our discussions, because I need to know your history to be able to help you with whatever you want to work on.  But, we can agree that any time I ask a question you don't want to answer, you can say so and we don't have to talk about it.  Does that work for you?  Or other ideas of how we can get around this?"

"What do you have to know about my history?"

"What your childhood was like, how was your relationship with mom, how do you think that experience affected you, etc.  Things like that."

Joeie sat with my words, contemplating her next move.

"I can also ask Justin or your other brothers about it, if you'd prefer.  But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves because I'm still not sure if there's something you want to work on or talk about.  Like if I could wave a magic wand and your life was the best ever, what would it look like?"

Her eyes instantly widened.  "I'd be an actress who does action movies or tv shows, like even those cheesy cop shows for old people would be fun.  But in my dream world, it'd be like a marvel movie where I'm the star and I kick so much ass.  And I'm rich, of course, so I'd have a house for us all to live in, big enough to give me some space, but cozy enough that we'd still see each other a lot."

"Who would live there?"

"Me, Jer, and Justin.  And Jonnie could come whenever he wants and could have his own big room.  Also I'd have an extra room so my friends could crash whenever." [[[lol this might be my inner old-person's dream, not my inner teen's dream 😂]]]  "And maybe a skatepark out back!  How awesome would that be?" She described her dream backyard in intricate detail, but there's no way I could remember it all because I'm not a skateboarder.  Then she went onto the next thing.  "And Alex and I would be closer again, too.  He wouldn't be so weird about Roxy and her group of friends.  We could all start a band together!  And skateboard all the time!"  I could see her getting excited, then remembering something, pushing it away, and building the excitement again.  It was interesting to see how she fluctuated.  

"You said you'd live with your brothers, and even have a room for Jonnie," I was starting to get a clearer picture of her family, "Would there be anything different about your relationship with your brothers in this life we're constructing?"

She shrugged.  "They could probably back off some.  But, don't tell them this, they're not that bad.  Just annoying sometimes with all the rules."

"Like what?"

"Stupid shit like 'don't skip classes at school' and 'don't use a fake ID to sneak into a club'... like what?"

I half-held in my laughter at her sarcastic tone.  "Terrible rules," I agreed.  "And a romantic partner?  Do you see yourself dating anyone in this image?"

She shrugged.  "I dunno.  I'm not sure about boys... or girls... .  Relationships seem tough."  She looked at me to say more, but I kept quiet, hoping she'd elaborate.  "Like I've never seen a happy couple for more than a few weeks.  Not really sure what the point of it all is."

I nodded.  "Is there anything you'd change about the way you feel?  Or the way you see yourself?"

Her eyes began tearing up.  "What the fuck... why is this getting me emotional?" then she rolled her eyes and swallowed down the tears.  "I don't know what I'd change."  

We sat in that awkward quiet space, waiting for each other's next move.  I finally broke the silence.  "Joeie, have you ever felt like you wanted to die or disappear?"

"Sheesh, what a change of subject.  Yeah, doesn't everyone think about that at some point?"

"Not everyone, some people are afraid to die, but you're right that it's common for people to think about disappearing at some point in our lives."

"Yeah, I mean, I'd never do anything on purpose, but I'm also gonna live my life, ya know?  Like I'm into stuff some people would consider 'dangerous'... which I'll never stop.  But I'm not gonna off myself or anything."

I nodded and we sat in that silence again as I decided where to go next.  It seemed important to give Joeie autonomy over her life and decisions, given that she's a teenager and basically said she needed independence.  I also got the sense that she's not into the idea of people worrying over her, like my doing so would hinder rather than help our therapeutic relationship.  But the poor girl could use some therapy... if she wanted.  "I think that if you want to be here, there's some good work we could do together.  And, being completely honest, it would probably be good for you to have therapy for a while.  But, I understand if you don't want to, and that's okay, too.  I don't see any reason you should be forced to come here every week."

She pondered that.  "Hmm... well, you're not as bad as I expected.  Maybe I could do it.  Like answer all those questions you said earlier about my childhood and stuff."

"Now I need to bring Justin up and ask him some questions.  Do you want to stay in here...?"

"No!" she interrupted.  "I don't wanna hear the same lecture again.  And he'll probably be more honest without me around anyway.  Just... you talk to him.  I can wait outside."  And she started getting up.

"Wait!  Where are you going?"

"Oh, we aren't done here?"

I blinked.  "Well, yeah, we are, but I was going to see if you have any questions for me or if there's anything you don't want me to tell him that we talked about today?  Or anything you do want me to tell him?"

"Nah, we're good.  Talk to him about whatever."

And then she just walked out of my office!  I took a deep breath, then followed her out.

Therapy part 2

“Oh, that’s a unique way to spell your name,” I said, making a note of it in my iPad. “I like it.”

“Yeah, I like it too. Jonnie was the one who taught me how to write it like that.” Seeing the confused look on my face, she continued, “he’s my other brother. My favorite one,” then gave a side-eye at my door, meant for Justin, I’m guessing.

“What makes him your favorite?”

“Because he doesn’t send me to dumb things like therapy… even though he did agree with Justin for me to give it a try. Actually, if it were just this, I’d probably have to pick Jeremy as my fav because he wouldn’t have made me come here either. But I’m mad at him right now too.”

“Why are you mad at Jeremy?”

The memory made her fists ball up. “He’s got anger issues. He’s the one who needs to be here but won’t. Too much toxic masculinity. Even though he’s gay.”

“What did he say about you coming to therapy?”

She shrugged. “He was just like, ‘cool, whatever,’ because he mostly just does whatever Justin wants him to or feels passionate about. Sometimes Justin also just does whatever Jeremy gets in his feels about. But not Jonnie. Jonnie’s the only one living the good life out of all of us. He’s a musician and on tour right now. How cool does that sound?? He taught me how to play drums when I was little. And I’m also in a part of one of his songs on his first album. Not drumming, but screaming. He and his friends used to love how into their music I got.”

She pulled out her phone and scrolled through it for a second, then held it out so I could hear. It started with a distorted guitar, eventually the drums coming in soft, then I heard it — a little girl screaming “one, two, three, four!” And the whole song starting. It sounded vaguely familiar, and then she skipped ahead to the breakdown. I instantly knew the band, wanting to fangirl to my client about how much I loved their music, also excited that we shared this taste, but maybe now wasn’t the right time for that. Especially as the breakdown continued, and the little screaming girl had another line. Joeie beamed, proud of her work and her relationship with Jonnie, then clicked the song off.

“Wow you’re kinda famous… what’s it like being on your brother’s album? Being part of his band?”

Now she looked sad. “Well, I’m not anymore. After that album, he left. He and Justin got into a big fight, like I’ve never seen Justin so mad. And then Jonnie was like, peace I’m out.”

“That must have been so hard for you.” She shrugged, about to tell me it was fine but I cut her off before she had the chance. “What did they fight about?”

Joeie squirmed a little in her seat, choosing her words carefully. “Justin said he was drinking too much and doing drugs.” She paused, waiting for my reaction and seeing my neutrality. “It’s because Jonnie drove me home one day after band practice and he was fucked up. Like I’d known something was wrong with him and should've said something but didn’t. And Justin was pissed. This was before my mom died, by the way.”

Oh just drop that in there like nothing, huh?

Therapy session with Joeie

“Your 4 o’clock is here,” the receptionist told me over my phone speaker.

I thanked her, noticing they were a few minutes early, always a good sign. That gave me enough time to review the email my colleague had sent me.

do you have availability? My client is the legal guardian of his 16 year old little sister and believes she could benefit from therapy. I thought of you because she’s a little oppositional and doesn’t believe she needs to talk to a professional. You guys would be a good fit for each other :)

Great… a teenager who doesn’t want to be here but no explanation of why the adults in her life think she should.

I guess if her brother is her legal guardian, that might have something to do with it. What happened to her parents?

I checked the next email where my colleague had forwarded information to the biller and head receptionist. My new client had union insurance, which means her guardian works with the fire department, and instantly I began to wonder about her family. Was there someone to take over if she lost her brother? Would she be able to handle another loss on top of who she already lost (her mom and maybe a dad, too)?

Glancing at the clock, I decided it was time to go meet my new (oppositional) client.

When I arrived in the waiting area, the pair that belonged to me were obvious — a tall man, early 30s with dark hair and eyes sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs, thumbing through a psychology today magazine. At his side was the Wikipedia image of “teenager.” She had brown hair, lighter than her brothers, with a green streak down the side, eyes glued to her phone.

“Josephine?” I called out, and the brother looked up, then nudged her. She scowled at him for a moment until he nodded in my direction, then her green eyes met mine mid-roll. She plucked out her AirPods and stood.

Her brother stood, reaching out a hand to shake mine. “I’m Justin,” he said. “Do you want me to come, too?”

I shook my head, “I’ll call you in at the end, once we’ve gotten to know each other a little better.”

Justin nodded and sat back down, glancing at his little sister with eyes that said, “behave.” She responded with another eyeroll, tucking her phone in her pocket and ready to follow me.

When we arrived in my office, she took the farthest seat from mine, which was also closest to the door.

“I’m Breanna,” I told her as I sat.

“I’m Joeie, ending in ie, not y,” then proceeded to spell it out for me.

Joeie's Life intro

this blog is dedicated to a new series i want to work on.  i want this to be similar to my livejournal for violet, but on a platform that's easier.  i don't remember how i started the other one though.  i guess i just started 😂🤷‍♀️  

here's what i know about the series so far:

-Joeie Davenport, a 16 year old skateboarder/actress/drummer.  
-Justin Mendoza, the oldest brother, 32 years old and main guardian.  
-Jeremy Mendoza, the middle brother, 30 years old, also lives with them
-Johnnie Mendoza, youngest brother, 28 years old, musician who is usually on tour and does not live with them

Joeie has always felt different from her brothers, because of their ridiculous age gap and having a different father.  

The series will start when Joeie gets the results back from a dna test she did with a friend.  It'd started out as just a curiosity about her ancestry, but shit gets real when she figures out about her bio dad's family.  

Anyway most of my thoughts have been about Joeie and her brothers though.  
Like her getting in trouble and how they would react to it.
The main scene that keeps going through my head is the final straw, like how she finally convinces Justin to let her stay the summer with her new half-brother.
Yeah, that's the character I didn't mention yet.

-Sebastian Whitmore, 35 years old, Joeie's newfound half-brother, who is really wealthy and who she idealizes.

but i haven't gotten too into what it will be like when she goes to stay with Sebastian.  also i might change his name because that name is too long.  unless i call him Seb.  It would be cute if i could find him a name that ends in a y, so Joeie could write it with an ie. 

Like I imagine when she's happy with Jeremy she spells his name Jeremie, even though he hates it and rolls his eyes (he loves it underneath, because even he has a soft spot for his littlest sister).

i guess i wanted to write about this scene.. or maybe i wanted to write it.  

oh, it is so much harder to write as a 16 year old than it is to fantasize as one.  maybe my days of writing about teens are actually over.  sadness :( 

just trying to figure out her voice.

----

i wanted to go to the concert.  i wanted to get drunk, smoke weed, do all the crazy shit that my friends do, because i was tired of everyone getting to do what they want except me.  it's not fair.  

so i did.  

i guess i wanna lean into this feeling of everyone getting to fucking do what they want except me.  johnnie got to drop out of school and go pursue his music, and look how good he's doing.  jeremy got to fucking leave right out of high school.  my friends get to drink and do drugs and stay out however late they want.  i don't do any of that stuff.  i just wanted to go stay with a responsible adult while taking my summer acting class so that i wouldn't DIE commuting back and forth to the city. but nooooooo... jeremy doesn't like him (or anybody) so i can't fucking go.  get fucked, jer.  

and justin sometimes takes my side, but this time jer manipulated him into getting all worried about me.  they wanna worry?  i'll make em fucking worry.

my new friend group from the skatepark helped me get a fake ID